Porcelain Hearts

2011-11-26T22:10:00.002+08:00

There is a reason why I write.

So that, in time, when someone reads these significant memories of my adolescence, my memories get relived.

Perhaps, when translated into words, the fleeting flashes of happiness will actually last.

2011-09-05T22:35:00.002+08:00

Had we seen it coming?

Was it all predestined, all written before it had truly happened?

That this precious relationship could only last so long,

that all good things must eventually end?

When we had talked for the last time, did it feel like the end?

How does the end feel like?

Was the end the sinking feeling in my heart when I said "bye" for the last time,

the unmistakable jolt that prevented me from walking to the end of a familiar road?

Did you see the finality staring back at you when you looked into my eyes?

amongst the laurels

2011-08-22T18:42:00.000+08:00

2011-05-04T00:58:00.002+08:00

After so many years of trying to thrive in the academics department,

I feel like I'm finally losing steam.

And with that dwindling enthusiasm in peaking each previous performance,

my hopes and aspirations seem to have eluded me too.

I'd thought it'll be more productive if I settle down for 10 minutes now and think about my goals, and my dreams.

And perhaps my sanity might just come back.

All these years of fighting to be amongst the best, I haven't found a reason why I'm trying so hard.

Are my results really worth my sanity? Are they going to compensate for my childhood?

Am I going to be rewarded for the hard work I put in?

Only when I try to get to the heart of the matter, then I'm suddenly thrown with questions I should have questioned myself before.

All along when I'd been attributing my worries for my academics to the expectations that other have for me,

I've missed out what matters most:

What do I expect from myself?

I'm the captain that is going to steer my future towards my desired destination.

My vessel can't steer far and forward based on other people's commands.

Only I can see the obstacles that lie ahead, and manoeuvre my way past them.

Haha, this is suddenly such an emotional and enlightening moment.

Back to studying!

Things have lost their ways of coming back

2011-04-06T01:05:00.002+08:00

If our progress can be measured by length,

with each time that we fail ourselves by an inch,

in merely 6 times we would have failed ourselves by 15cm.

Thus, this proves that the effects of failure are cumulative.

With each moment that the heart falters for an decision, we might have hindered our impending progress.

And the most shocking thing is that, life stifles without momentum.

Always too late

2011-03-27T01:06:00.003+08:00

There might have been some hope to rekindling,

but right now I'm just trying to forget it all.

Everything I turn around and see you,

my heart feels a tingling of sorrow,

and there's a rush to run and gather what is left of you.

But the heart is dead,

and hope evacuates when they know salvation is always too late.

Life is a soulless lullaby,

with dreams and aspirations undone.

Love left without a good-bye,

and truths suddenly become lies.

Right now, living is a misery,

because people just don't understand

that the cold, unfeeling and distant person that stands uninspired before them

was a vibrant, cheerful girl with what she once called

HOPES, ASPIRATIONS AND DREAMS.

And they've killed their friend, just like that.

When Jia Hui asked me if I have a best friend the other day, for the first time in my life, I was brave enough to be true to myself.

And I told her that I don't have a best friend.

It hurt my self-pride just to say that, but I felt much better after that.

Sometimes, what we really need is the whole truth, naked of all its guises.

"In this world, we're just forced to grow up."

2011-03-23T00:38:00.004+08:00

Trust is so elusive these days.

And it's so difficult to lay down all my insecurities,

and accept someone.

When you're weighed down with so much expectations on your back to be the one who knows the solution to every crisis in someone else's life, or the one who gives the most sensible judgment all the time,

you know you can't disappoint, simply can't falter and can't fail.

It's excruciating to watch you crash upon your own self, like how a cheesecake does it.

And I'd just thought to say,

that if you think your life doesn't mean much,

it does.

If you've been living your life for others, start living life for yourself for a change.

The last steps of the writer's block (I hope)

2011-02-07T22:15:00.002+08:00

When you're in love

the jubilation and exhilaration

empowers your sanity,

devours your thoughts,

and erodes your identity

The emotions captivate you,

like a whirlwind it catches you

into his arms

But in any weather, the sunshine never lasts

Dusk, the love dwindles

and by twilight it cease to exist.

Love dies, and it does.

Soon, the affection begins to blame

and love becomes a cruel game.

Like every game comes a stop,

a stop to all.

And shattered hearts are hearts no more.

emptied.

2011-02-05T22:06:00.003+08:00

Reassurances

2011-01-08T00:46:00.002+08:00

I know nothing of the resolution in your voice, but the empty tenderness that still lives in your vacant eyes.

You know I cannot choose to think, because I'm afraid where my mind would take me to escape from reality, and leave behind what defines "living" at all.

So tell me now, that reality exists.

Is it too much to ask for, to live my days able to feel and be alive?

Wow, I've been that busy to the extent where I couldn't even find 10mins to blog.

Horrible, crazy schedules to meet and work undone from ages ago.

I get this year started right in class, but my other commitments would have had to be completely the opposite.

I just hope I'll survive this year with my sanity intact, and to do my best in all pursuits.

It's very true, working too hard at the very start makes it difficult to maintain the standard consistently, and before you can get a glimpse of your peak you've degraded to the bottom, staring up at the peak you've just surmounted and slided past in a frenzy of trying too hard.

Fleeting personalities

2010-12-31T03:26:00.003+08:00

I miss the days when I had the liberty and ability to reminiscent upon our memories.

Unfortunately, I can no longer.

I could if I would, but I could not.

You've vacated our memories, and the lovely tunes in my head now sings a soulless lullaby.

My best friend, now gone, forever, even in the depths of my heart.

I can never revisit those memories my heart ached for simply because if there comes a day when I could see the bright smile on your face when I think about the times we'd spent together,

I would know I had forgiven you, and you had come back.

But forgiving you, I will never.

I know you're waiting for a reply. I'm so sorry... but I cannot do it anymore.

I no longer feel the same about Literature anymore.

Nowadays, whenever I attempt to start on an essay, I get the points but I can no longer focus on structuring my answer.

It's as though a tiny voice within me is giving me the answers but somehow I can't seem to get them through in words.

Even words are failing me, what else isn't.

Chinese O level results, I hope it's going to be all right. :/

Eventually, light shines through the darkness

2010-12-27T23:05:00.004+08:00

Tired from saving the mess you'd begun,

exhausted from trying too hard to resurrect something from the tight clasp of Death.

I can't phantom the horror of watching things fall apart at their sheer will and strength,

without a care for the fragility of my mind witnessing the crumbling of something that'd just emerged from its very ashes.

The feeling of the even knocking against my chest beats no more, silence like never before swallows my sanity complete.

It's snowing in my heart now, an emptiness I can't fill.

It's freezing, and the warmth inside me had ceased, I'm shaken with fear for the unknown,

wondering if the next step I take will be the last.

I worry, because then I can never nurture and heal the soul within me, struggling to survive the odds and fight for the justice it was never treated with.

It is regrettable that while she is playing against the rules, I'm forced to keep within my boundaries and try surviving in that stifling environment where merits are unaccounted for and one could only get the limelight through illegitimate means.

I play by my own rules, and I'd never let circumstances shape who I fundamentally am.

"she doesn't need a hero, she needs you."

2010-12-27T02:24:00.004+08:00

I think about how people rejoice over being with the person of their dreams, then after a rough one month or two they swiftly break apart.

Call me a sadist, but I think perfection can only last so long, and when it dissipates, it only becomes a burden one has to carry all his life.

The glance was no longer of love, it was brimmed with pity, with apologies.

Loveless, she surely was.

The scent of misery and absolute despair hung in the air, stagnant.

Maybe she'd forgotten how to breathe.

The walls surrounding her frail beating heart fell apart, her last line of defense.

The agony of the situation corroded into her mind.

The truth rendered her helpless, and ironically, relief.

"When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story." -Barney Stinson :)

I'm going to try writing until I can overcome the writer's block,

because I know no one is preventing me from thinking except myself.

There's a little voice within me that's struggling to speak, and it's my job to amplify them.

Afterword

2010-12-21T01:58:00.004+08:00

The time to let go is precisely when you can't find the right words to console yourself much longer, and when words you'd meant to say simply fail you one by one.

Up till this point, I think this year's been a blessing in disguise.

Despite some disappointments that'd tainted the year and some of the most heartwrenching days, I'm almost glad to say that thank goodness I'd been through all those. I'd never fully realised the importance of seeing right through a guise and walking away before harm befalls me. Before this year, I'd though this world I'm living in was innocent to a certain extent. Of course such naive thoughts should have had been dismissed right from the very start, but to a mind unknowing and muchly untainted, the endless possibilities intrigue and amaze me. Dismissing an idea felt like deprivation, which was something I simply could not handle that well.

I must say, this year's been a grilling year. Schoolwork alone was suffocating and unbearable, but when red lights started to pop up one by one in my personal relationships, and then finding myself stranded in speechless conversations having nothing to say to seemingly can't-be-helped friendships, I was through and through with all the drama going on. Nervous breakdowns started coming frequently with all the stress that my academics are giving me. While others have the chance of turning to bed early, sometimes I question myself why I have to try so much harder to do just as well, if my life's perhaps really ill-fated.

I think what's really inspired and transpired within me would definitely be sensibility which I'd never felt running through my veins these years. Truthfully, I would not say I was ever sensible in previous years. Circumstances have forced me to grow out of my childish demeanor and to face my problems head-on. But all these I would say happened far too quickly. Adapting to my problems had become a part of me I cannot wave away, and the toll it'd taken on me far too great. The incremental pressure was not something I'd ever imagine in my wildest dreams, and I lacked the emotional capacity to stomach all those uprisings. Before I knew it, I'd found myself stranded with no means to talk about, and my mind focused on something else most of the time. The lack of concentration and sleep deprivation caused me to finally break down. Despite the cruel truth that up to this point everything's just exactly the same from where I'd left of, I'm proud to say I'd worn out of my childish reasonings. In life, there are times of tribulation and jubilation, and I'm thankful to say that mine had come just in time to toughen me up for future challenges that might lie ahead.

I'm so glad to have family and friends who had helped me through the tough times. Thank you for shining light on to my darkest days and showing me that after every sunset comes a new rising sun.

guard your heart

2010-12-03T23:49:00.005+08:00

She is just to fill a deep in the depths of your heart, a void waiting for its rightful owner to call it hers.

But we both know, she can fill the void but she isn't meant to fill it whole, don't we?

Disclaimer:

For the abovementioned, it was just a very random thing that happened in a very random conversation with the randomest person ever. Much to many people's disappointment, I don't actually like anyone that much... short of liking myself the most. No, I actually adore myself :)

"With each sequence of patching and breaking up, the immeasurable distance between us proved to be a treacherous journey.

Each patching and breaking up after that became more like a dance we're used to, till we could no longer feel a thing. Unfeeling about the dance, and the dancers.

Each fight came as though they were rightfully timed to haunt, more easily, more frequently. Even more disheartening was that it came increasingly naturally."

Great dancers need not a stage to dance, one could always dance in his heart.

hope is like a setting sun

2010-11-26T00:05:00.004+08:00

Just took my flu tablets, feeling cranky and sleepy and queasy all over.

My nose is still like an open tap, this is so gross.

I can't breathe properly and I can't sleep without waking up after a while.

All thanks to some unnamed smart person who came for Choir fully aware that she is sick -.-

I hope I don't blame myself for not trying now.

But right now I'm asking myself, "if not now, then when?"

Which is very true actually.

I just hope I don't make a wrong decision, because whenever I do, I'll just keep blaming myself for it.

Hope is like a setting sun.

It glimmers from behind the mountains, partially.

It lures you with its fading warmth, why is warmth so elusive these days?

It slips away, with every heartbeat. It bids its goodbye.

I wish it'll never have to set, that it'll remain forever.

With reassurance, I walk away, in full awareness that with each coming dawn comes a new rising sun.

even saving grace might not do the trick

2010-11-23T22:13:00.006+08:00

So this is how giving up feels like, an overwhelming sense of hopeless, hollow satisfaction that just doesn't really fulfill the wishes of the heart.

It is a bargain, a painful but meaningful one.

At least now I'm settled, for once.

"Of no consequence. No reason for harbouring. No harm to lose. It's like waiting for a train long gone, so what's the point?"

This is not us drifting,

neither is this leaving.

This is different from letting go of lost love,

or separating for a little while.

Giving up - the concept is rather simple.

A hopeless desolation.

Willing the exhilaration of escaping to infiltrate and numb my senses.

Maybe when I can no longer feel, I can no longer need you.

Just when I feel that I'm strong enough to break free.

I'm weighed down by the thoughts of you,

they're too heavy, too dull, too cluttered with memories I have not had the courage to sort out.

The recipe towards moving on is simple, to leave behind what aches your heart.

I question the feasibility, because since then, I've been waving away the shadow of your face behind my eyelids.

But the image of the face I'd yearned for burns like a scar on my tender heart.

You play at my heartstrings, a song of us.

Like canaries trying to sing a song, but no more, no more.

"If you believe in eternity, then life becomes irrelevant."

2010-11-11T23:22:00.003+08:00

House is always inspiring.

Still struggling between grieving for O Levels and gastric problems,

but sorry to disappoint, other than the above, I'm doing quite well.

The antacids aren't really working, but they're the least of my problems.

Been drowning in shows after shows to curb the pain.

Chinese Os this time round was by far my most important, and most unprepared paper.

I guess I could only blame myself for being too complacent.

I think I've pushed my body to my limits unknowingly,

and right now it's just doing all sorts of things to freak me out.

I guess after all these years of rampant, ongoing, accumulative, tiresome work,

my body just can't stretch as far as I could before.

It's scary when you're fully conscious, and when you stand before an escalator, you suddenly forgot how to just step on one of those suddenly fast-moving and intimidating steps and move down.

It's as though you're stuck there at the top forever, unable to go down.

It was apt, even in the "lyrical" sense.

Sometimes, we find ourselves right at the peak, and when you decide to slow things down and return, you find that while you've been busy occupying your brain cells with methods of reaching the top, they can no longer instruct you to move down.

The sudden lack of mobility and flexibility in my body nowadays is uncannily worrying.

livid

2010-11-05T20:28:00.002+08:00

I feel bloody betrayed now.

I know I said something about not screaming on my blog, but well.... too bad.

I'M SO ANGRY NOW, I WANT TO CRY AND I'M STUCK AT HOME TO GRIEVE ABOUT THESE SORT OF THINGS RIGHT BEFORE MY OS. WHERE IS YOUR HUMANITY AND YOUR CONSCIENCE? HAVE YOU FORSAKEN THEM SOMEWHERE DURING YOUR TRANSITION INTO SOMEONE ELSE?

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH, WHAT THE SHIT.

Okay, I shall calm down before I start naming.

Changes are imminent, that's common knowledge.

But mind you, that does not serve as a excuse at all.

You're probably laughing at how long it took me to realise and see through this act.

Go seek happiness elsewhere, because there are some who have not and will not and they truly believe and cling on to every word you say.

If you could, start being truthful.

lonely no more

2010-11-02T21:27:00.002+08:00

You are where my heart resides.

Sanctuary of peace you fumble within.

But hearts are contradictory, and sanctuary is not a testament of forever.

Now, you exist in my non-existent.

Peace forsaken.

Lost.

Yet you shall be lonely no more.

Eternity- even the word sounds far too surreal for reality.

Forever doesn't last long.

Intangible, that is what forever is, and so are you.

I feel like sleeping now, so probably the above hardly makes sense, too bad for me then.

I haven't done any Chinese yet, and I should sit in a corner and cry now, but I'm really too tired to try and do anything productive at this given moment.

My body is like limp against the chair, pretty much only my eyeballs and my fingers are moving right now.

Inactivity can actually feel like a luxury, when I'm in bed sleeping, and not slogging my guts out trying to make myself study, which is quite impossible now.

You've provided for me one of my strongest rapports, and I guess you'll remain as that.

I don't know where our friendship is headed towards.

I have lost us once or twice, but I know with subsequent misses I could no longer find ourselves again, we're just forever lost in forever.

And now, forever is eternity, and eternity is endless.

Not having you around, infinitely, will be painful.

I've seen friendships tear at its seams, unable to withstand the scrutiny, the longing and the repression.

I've witnessed friendships that had been worn away with time and age, but always had a timeless quality in its essence.

Watching your own friendship fall is a totally different experience.

First, your heart wrenches with every passing moment left silence, possibly for the good of one another, or so we've thought.

Then, the speechless conversations continues with sidelong glances and a secret desire to try and patch things up, but how could a would ever be patched up fully without leaving a scar to serve as a testament?

Not before long, the images of past memories suddenly become far too real, they captivate your senses relentlessly, seizing every waking moment to haunt you and your conscience, if conscience was worth much in the first place.

2010-10-31T14:22:00.002+08:00

"So... would you like to move in?"

"Let me think about it..."

"No, I meant if you would like to move in so I can sit."

"Yeah sure.. like I'd said, just let me think about it! (silence) Yeah, I will move in"

HIMYM S05E21

stifling

2010-10-28T20:54:00.002+08:00

Next time, don't ever say 'sorry'.

Because quite sadly,'sorry' in our context bears no slight meaning anymore.

What is an apology with a smirk?

To be truly sorry for the mistake, or sorry that I have to look at that smirk every time I hear you apologise?

So you know what, don't ever apologise anymore, because you're clearly not very sorry.

This is horrible, I'm not a single bit worried for Chinese yet.

Which means that when the time comes (probably one week before the exams), I'll slip into a very bad case of panic attack like always when I don't panic enough before... like during the Orals.

Everyone around me is working hard, but I just can't find enough tenacity to complete the papers and revise Chinese.

Now, revising Chinese sounds totally absurd because I really have no idea how to revise for Chinese.

I'm just going to go out once more, and then stay at home and study!

(Oh gosh, that previous idea sucks)

I bought subway cookies on the way home! Yummy.

I should cut my hair, they're getting really heavy...

OKAY SHUCKS, TIME TO DO CHINESE P1, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE MY WORST FEAR.

dimmed lights

2010-10-26T22:09:00.002+08:00

It is a game they audaciously play, a fine little game called You.

The fun starts, and does not seem to ever end, when the joke is on something else.

Your mind was too scheming, fooled by the limelights of being the perpetrator, the judge and the executioner of someone else's dignity.

And along with all the lights, they blind your conscience and compassion, a bluff you could not decipher for yourself.

As the days go by, the fun comes to an abrupt halt.

In the limelight, where you had felt you had once ruled, the stars stop to shine.

A mistake in broad daylight, all could see through a guise, exposed and unwilling you stand in the light, naked of all your pretense.

Shame became a mark you cannot erase, you're undone.

The transition begins, when the fine little game you'd loved to play, starts to backfire on its hardcore addict, when You had become none other than you.

Chinese Intensive is really getting on my nerves.

I would rather do 10 English Full papers than do a Chinese P2.

And Chinese P1 is as horrendous as it can ever get.

I really hope to get pass Chinese and be done with it,

I mean, what can really help when it's not the marks you're trying to salvage, but determination that has been long dead for a subject I've not liked since Primary school?

Sometimes, or rather all the time, to forget is not to forget.

All for a smile on your face

2010-10-25T18:36:00.004+08:00

She wanted a perfect world.

Things were shifted over the place, people replaced and she had all the things she loved.

But her seemingly perfect world, was not so perfect after all.

In a perfect world, things stay unchanged, and people never leave.

I give you an onion,

and that means I love you.

Baked honey joys today,

the first 2 attempts were epic failures, but the third batch came out nice nice!

Will bring to school tmr and make everyone sick, hahahaha! :D

HAHAHHA OMG YOU TWO MAKE ME WANT TO BARF.

I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S JUST SO FUNNY.

Maybe that's why we're forever trying to patch things up,

because I don't belong in your world and your kind of friends and your way of reconciling.

I have no idea what the problem is.

I've tried and failed, tried again and failed doubly hard.

I wonder what you want from me,

do you want a friendship, love, care, and all else that symbolizes what they call FRIENDSHIP,

or do you just want me?

I'VE HAD ENOUGH, TAKE IT AS A PARTING GIFT.

BYE, FOR GOOD.

Justifiable

2010-10-24T21:28:00.002+08:00

And no one hears her lonely cries in the night

Not a soul awakened by her vain attempts to tear herself free in the sultry darkness

A soft distress call emerges faintly from the deep abyss, but dissipates swiftly upon hitting the ears

No one has seen her cry, and so she was out of their minds.

She holds on a strand of hope, weak link that holds her frail frame together

Would the one that gave her that unassuming hope, remember the she ever did provide solace for the broken hearted,

Or simply trample right upon the seedling that grows from her seed she's offered, once?

Hope, a volatile currency those rich men say,

she laughs at that bleak prospect of that tale, but holds on to it all the same, for what it is worth.

She comes back to the same spot, and discovers a note addressed to her.

Dated long ago, and faded with age, she opens the crinkly note.

Neatly folded, such resemblance and detail was strikingly uncanny. She was sure of the writer.

The air was sprinkled with unmistakable despair, and stale with a hint of history, as though it had retained some of the sadness and sweetness that day when she had left that note in that spot.

Oh, the lazy slumber disturbed by the uncalled yet awaited arrival of the addressee.

The ink, the script and the scroll, she was appalled. However, more astonished by the content stark naked in her shock-stricken face.

"I've left, but I've left a part of me in you."

She was suddenly beaten from within, "I wish you've never left."

She runs, and kicks the dust from under her feet. Clutching that last letter from her love, she runs.

She hurries, not forward, but from where she had come from. She disappears into the distant past, affirmative of the trail her lover had went, and even more of her dedication to her.

But her love watches from afar and sighs, "Dear friend, you seem to go the wrong way all the time, and this is where I leave you, again."

Instead of chasing her love who was chasing after her, she escapes the other way, into the future without her lover no more.

Okay, sure.

2010-10-22T22:03:00.003+08:00

I don't say "Okay, sure" before both the words of the phrase means the same thing.

Oh it'll mean 'yes, yes' which is awkward.

Hence if I ever do use it in a conversation consciously, it's probably sarcasm.

I'm quite surprised about my results.

Though I'm far from being pleasantly surprised and jumping up and down to unleash the bountiful glee within me, I'm just surprised because it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be.

Still, results were mediocre to the very least, far from satisfactory by my mother's standards which are not humanely achievable anyway.

For me, I think results weren't my best, but I got more than I had worked for.

I'm promoting to Sec4 next year... so yay for me.

Next year will just be a turmoil waiting to engulf me.

I'm like already not sleeping for exams now, and I can't finish revising everything...

How on earth am I going to revise for exams next year!

Better enjoy myself this holidays, and get myself ready for the big race next year.

Anticipation has a anti- prefix in front, probably for good reasons.

"I doubt she's upset at you, you've been direct with her...."

"No, I think I told her she was pretty once."

Affirmation in an assuring sparkle in your eye.

A promise made in silence, from the depth of our hearts.

An agreement not signed with paper and ink

Dated with the moment our love grew

Sealed with wordless consents

"Tell me you love me."

"Feel it, I've placed my heart in yours."

"I can't give you promises of forever."

"Promises aren't meant to last forever, anyway."

"I like being here."

"I like being right here, with you."

(Okay, I really can't go on writing such weird things. It's so unnatural. No wonder my essays are always morbid.)

Doomsday

2010-10-20T21:46:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow's results are going to take me for a ride.

Actually I might just be on flat land the whole time, but who knows? I might find myself digging a whole in the ground to escape whatever forms of evil that might try to haunt me.... like FAILING PHYSICS, AMATHS AND BOTH HUMANS SUBJ.

Oh goodness gracious, please have mercy on me. Me little heart can only take blows from 4 subj and nothing more!

Come to think of it, failing 4 subj is like WOAH, so I should just cry and wail tomorrow, nonetheless.

Just in case I can never find the courage to eat ice cream anymore, I have brought home with me 2 pints of B&J's to enjoy before the fateful events that awaits me tomorrow. Not going to be glorious tomorrow and I should just fulfill my desperate callings from within for more ice cream to satisfy some underlying compulsions to eat ice cream all day long.

What to do? Might as well, since a part of me dies along with my scripts every time I see them scrutinised and with red crosses all over.

Honestly, I doubt my Humans scripts will even be marked since they make no sense. Whatever intelligence that might have been there would have disguised themselves under the intelligible handwriting of your dear friend here.

The prospect of failing kills my life. But I know to fail my papers now would give me a tight slap in the face to work harder, and I should, before worrying about failing for Os.

On the bright side, this is going to give me a wake-up call (literally and metaphorically) and this would probably instill some fear for exams in me.

Not good to be fearless towards exams, it's like being numbed through for so many years I simply can't feel much sympathy for myself, or apprehension for the upcoming questions in the papers, it quite literally just makes no sense.

Enough about speculation for my worst results yet, and hopefully forever. Tomorrow will just make me cry my guts out and bawl my eyeballs out as well.

I never knew how disgusting the phrase "cry my guts out" could be since it's like my favourite line, until I really picture all the stomach and liver popping out of my mouth to say hello.

Like an empty summer

2010-10-19T22:41:00.003+08:00

I'm just trying my luck.

And if luck fails me, and it already did, then so be it.

I thought if I had gone to the point of begging you, you would understand why. Instead, it just instigated the arrogant streak in you.

If I had done it the other way round, it would seem like I'm pitying your sorry state, or so you assumed and disliked.

If I had just told you directly, well, how was I to know the grand repercussions since I haven't found the courage to say that? The results would be like adding potassium to cold water, EXPLOSIVE.

I'm sorry, I couldn't be bothered with you and to bother your perfect life.

Not about to bow down to you and sing praises of hypocrisy.

I wouldn't call my life perfect, because I look for improvement in every aspect.

However, my life isn't stifling with anger and melodramatic facades, played so many times over it makes me cry laughing at the sheer lack of creativity.

All in all, good luck maintaining that (not so) perfect life you have there.

Gosh, I haven't been able to stay up past 12 without coffee these days.

I'm yawning so much I'm actually tearing already.

That's bad, this feel very very awful :/

Sigh, it's near 1. Who was I kidding, doing Chrysalids notes now....

TOMORROW! (I've been procrastinating for 5 days and it's been doing me good)

Right now, I'll look up recipes and build up me career in case I go nuts studying next time, at least I won't die and waste away without a fight.

I wish you were here

2010-10-16T16:21:00.004+08:00

These few days could have been the worst days of my life.

A well-kept secret, 10 years worth of lies, explodes into light in my face.

Spiraling into a whirlwind of realisations and the truth, they tear my hope apart.

Why is it that while walking into the light, my heart is heavy with darkness plodding mercilessly all over?

I hope that in time to come, time heals all open wounds.

May the light of the Lord shine into the darkness, may His love heal me.

May my heart now be filled with sorrow, may the storms clear into clear skies.

May the words no longer cut, may I still feel happiness.

May God be forgiving, I plead for His mercy.

Lord, let me live, let me believe, and let me see.

Take comfort in the Lord, and may He bring you peace.

There was a time, when men were kind
And their voices were soft
And their words were inviting
There was a time, when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they turn your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my dreams with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

I dreamed a dream- Les Miserables.

4 days of sleep

2010-10-15T22:17:00.002+08:00

I've slept for 12 hours last night.

And considering I only have 3 hours of sleep each day during the exams period.

I've slept for 4 days of sleep!

(12/3=4)

Went out with mum today

She asked me if I wanted to get any books

And then I picked out a guidebook -.-

If no one sees the -.- thing in buying guidebooks,

how about I tell you it's a Crucible guidebook for next year?

Sighs.

Roller coasters do lead you somewhere.

Exhilaration can last you a moment and bring you joy,

but it can't last you with the same amount of joy forever.

However life twists, it does lead you somewhere.

I hope that when you think about talking to someone when you're upset,

you'll think of me.

Because when I am, I'd always think about you.

2010-10-14T22:28:00.001+08:00

Today, I consider him dead.

I wonder why I was a part of the lie.

But whatever it is, it's too much to handle in a day.

For now and forever, he is as good as dead, and of no more relevance.

Euphemisms

2010-10-13T21:41:00.003+08:00

The use of euphemisms of convey a certain message can add to the general style of the message.

Instead of saying "AHHH EXAMS WERE LIKE RUBBISH!!!",

we could all exclaim " Oh goodness gracious! Exams were as good as trash."

The latter sounds so sophisticated, and the use of oxymoron is so apt.

Amath is going to send me off in a trance and Lit will.... always be Lit.

It's scary whenever I take my afternoon naps nowadays.

I could see weird equations floating around in my subconscious limbo.

Worse, I actually panic when I can't seem to solve them.

If not

OKAY NOW I'M REALLY UPSET.

FUCKING STOP MAKING FUN ABOUT THE WHOLE NOT SLEEPING THING

YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY TO NOT SLEEP FOR 2 CONSECUTIVE WEEKS? NOT AT ALL.

I'M NOT SOME OVER ACHIEVING SCHOLAR TRYING TO SHINE SOME LIGHT ON MY NAME, I'M JUST TRYING IN VAIN ATTEMPT TO NOT FAIL THAT BADLY.

YOU CAN GET ANGRY ALL YOU WANT, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

AFTER 2 WEEKS OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION, MY SANITY, PATIENCE AND WHATEVER GOOD THAT WAS IN ME DISSIPATED INTO THE THIN AIR I'M TRYING TO BREATHE FROM.

YOU THINK IT'S EASY LIVING UP TO EXPECTATIONS? MY OWN EXPECTATIONS, MY FRIENDS' MY PARENTS' MY SISTER'S?

IS IT FUNNY THAT I GET ONLY 3 HOURS OF SLEEP DAILY. AND ONLY 20 HOURS FOR A TOTAL OF 2 WEEKS?

I'M TIRED, UNINSPIRED AND VERY STRESSED OUT, SO IF YOU'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED MY WRATH, THIS IS IT, THIS IS THE TEMPER I'VE BEEN ILLUSTRATING I'M AFRAID WOULD HAPPEN ANYTIME. BECAUSE WHEN I'M ANGRY NOTHING CAN MAKE ME BECOME NOT ANGRY APART FROM SLEEP.

AND YES, I'M NOT SLEEPING TONIGHT.

DO NOT ASK ME WHETHER I SLEPT TOMORROW, YOU WILL GET THIS WHOLE CHUNK OF WORDS SHOVED IN YOUR FACE, WITH MY HOARSE VOICE.

WANT TO KNOW WHY IT'S HOARSE, BECAUSE FOR THE SAKE OF STUDYING, I'VE TAKEN TO NOT EATING, ANYONE WANTS TO COPY ME NOW?

Just as I'm trying to write a very nice post on the use of euphemisms, I've thus illustrated irony.

Oh, you want my lit notes? Here it is.

Entities

2010-10-11T23:15:00.006+08:00

For one to feel euphoria, one has to first be able to feel sadness.

Happiness is relative.

For a positive entity to exist a negative entity has to be in being.

Positivity is a perception.

There is a prerequisite for every emotion and every pulsation to exist.

A force to set a particle into motion.

A word to evoke a mixture of feelings within.

For love, there must be hate to substantiate.

For light,there must be darkness to shine through.

For white, there must be black to contrast.

There is a rhyme and reason for everything.

Finally, for me, there must be you.

When dealing with subjects like Physics, one has to be very careful and sensitive. If there comes a day your friend hurries over and tells you earnestly, "Physics! ):" Be empathetic because everyone ought to be when talking about Physics. There is no need to reply "How prepared are you?" You'll probably get a response with a tight slap across your shock-stricken face. Instead, a kind way to reply would be, "How dead are you?" Always be empathetic.

I like to hug people, because you can't hug someone without getting one back. Like how my pillow comforts me when I realised I won't do well for Literature. The best support comes in it's rawest forms. When I hug my pillow, it hugs me too. And that's how we support each other.

A nicer word would have been "placed", I don't fancy the idea of having my things recklessly "dumped" around. Thank you very much.

monologues

2010-10-10T04:19:00.003+08:00

Every night I perform this monologue on Twitter to annoy my followers.

Everyone gets the idea I'm stressed, sigh.

Coffee is turning from an incentive to a necessity now.

I'm afraid, and not without reasons, that even after the exams are over, I'd still be relying on coffee to keep my awake past 10.

It's ridiculous because I actually feel sleepy at 10.

Not fun to have tears steaming down your cheeks from all the yawning and trying to resist taking coffee.

Caffeine is like a integral part of me now and that is very bad.

I do not propagate the use of coffee to stimulate an alert mind for studying, it's just very unhealthy.

And honestly, even after taking coffee, I would still feel tired after a short while.

Coffee is not God's way of increasing the population of bats amongst mankind, it's just another drink.

And who am I to comment when I attempt suicide with 4 cups of coffee each day?

Literature is attempting to suck all my guts out.

I really have no talent for Lit, and my mind just goes into a state of slumber whenever I open the Lit book.

I secretly admire those who can easily chant the lines of Crucible because they enjoy the text.

For me, I just can't find their sort of enjoyment in Literature.

But then again, I wonder how well I would do for Geography anyway.

As I was explaining to Chong, I tend to memorise things very vaguely as a whole picture, and not the intricate details that subjects like Geog are seeking.

So though I can get the vague picture of a meander in my head, I can't really go about memorising the details of it's formation.

I find it such a struggle to remember details. Which is the very reason why my marks just go MIA everytime I receive my Geography paper.

Then again Peipei, you might die doing History.

While people weigh the advantages in taking each subject and their respective strengths in each of them, I consider the odds of dying for each of the humanities subjects then make a very important decision of choosing the combination in which I might suffer less in.

That is way amidst all the torture and tormenting, I remain very steadfast to my humanities combination "Core Lit with Elect Geog" and view it as the best combi simply because when I imagine myself taking other combinations, I am so certain I would die. Ultimately, your friend over here just doesn't have the kind of mental capacity to do Humanities.

"Then why didn't you take the Triple Science 8 Subjects Combination!"

Good question, but very ironically I need to study for Literature now so I shall answer that when I feel like it.

CONVOLUTED

2010-10-08T18:48:00.003+08:00

I miss you terribly, and I kind of need you now.

And that's all I've been feeling these days.

The feeling doesn't fade away, and I might become miserable.

I will try and am trying, but I don't know for how long.

I can't find any motivation to do Lit.

Chrysalids is like so childish against Crucible.

I apologise to any Chrysalids fans out there, personal opinion.

It's a good read, but it's such a hassle to study it.

There's like a climax in every one of it's 17 chapters.

And within climax there may be a few of this consistent themes that runs throughout the novel.

And there are so many many themes to study and more quotes to chant about.

To add to that, I have Act 1 of crucible to tackle.

Crucible is fun because of it's very interesting plot, hahaha scandals.

It's got more depth, nice play to watch, not too kind on my brain cells.

Math, Physics, Bio are going to come hand in hand to exterminate any brain cells that SS and Chem forgot about.

Notice the lack of mention of Geog and Lit, well I simply decided to crap for those papers and get a good laugh out of it while crapping incessantly throughout the paper.

Don't know how I am going to laugh while getting the results, so I'm seizing every chance to laugh now while I can and not think of the consequences.

PLEASE, I NEED TO GET MY NERD MODE ON.

4 cups of coffee

2010-10-04T22:18:00.004+08:00

A narration on my frightful night.

Last night, or should I say early morning, I felt the sudden desperate need of drinking coffee to awaken my senses that have gone into sweet slumber.

Dazed, I smartly poured the sachet of the coffee mix into my cup,

then realising I don't have hot water to make coffee with.

Now, you might think, "haha, then go and make them!"

In case you haven't noticed your friend here isn't a very intelligent one, I have no idea how to boil water.

Instead of just pouring the powder into my mouth and let it be done with, I have decided to drink coffee cold, with cold water.

I must say, the prospect of being able to make coffee was exciting,

and until there, not so exciting anymore.

Days were meant to start, and end.

Birth is prerequisite for the imminent death.

It was difficult looking at you.

The cycle of life, and its inevitability, I disdain.

I cry at the end of day.

The falling of all good things.

Bells cease to ring.

I should feel happy, but all I do is cry

2010-10-03T01:19:00.005+08:00

One Less Bell to Answer

"So you'll be wearing a gown?"

"No, I'll be playing the piano in tank top and short, and flip flops."

"HAHAHA, imagining you in that is funny."

"Wow thanks, so I look funny most of the time."

"I think I'm worth as much as a stone."

"I don't think she talks to a stone."

"No, the stone talks to her."

The two of (us)

2010-10-01T00:49:00.004+08:00

We walk past each other, no words exchanged.

Imagine an empty universe containing only the soulless stares of the both of us.

Imagine all air being sucked out, a vaccum, like our slight gazes.

If time had slowed down to a fraction of a second, we could have registered the look in each other's eyes, the resentment contained like a butterfly in a jar.

If my thoughts were amplified, you would hear my resentment of that dissatisfying moment, blame shifted towards you, on you and just you.

There were similarities.

Your thoughts would have mirrored mine.

Yet again, my thoughts would only contain your name. In jubilation, in sadness, in fear, in hysteria, they only had room to contain just your name.

While I was angered by your lack of emotions, I would find myself reflecting your actions, tight clenched fists, concentrated thought to look away, lack of facial expressions, a growing intention to ignore your existence for fear of the impending awkward silence.

By then, I would fight to steal a short glance at your diminishing figure into the future, and realise you haven't turned back.

But after that fraction of a second and whirlwind of raw emotions at play on my heartstrings,

we leave that fraction of a second,

uninspired, unchanged and unmoved.

Superfluous moralising

2010-09-24T20:58:00.004+08:00

A calming sensation envelopes me.

Like a cushion, though unjustified.

"It's all right, it's just a course we all have to take, it doesn't matter, it hardly does."

Comfortingly ironic, because on the contrary, that was all you had believed in, your faith, your salvation, your saving grace.

And all the more it meant much more than it seemed.

It was the coin you've gambled with, the winning lottery or the losing piece of scrap metal, which quite conveniently scars you.

It could be both, if you like.

It's all you have, one chance to play the game, and one chance to win.

Play or being played,

there's distinct difference to the abovementioned.

Be the player with your fingers twirling the coin,

or be the coin twirled dizzy by the player.

There's a knowing semblance in both occasions.

You could be both, if you like.

It might take some time to reconcile with the fact that this is over.

Time scratches the edges of a rough memories smooth, till it slips out of our fingers, out of our minds.

Some memories are meant to stay, to haunt us in the dead of the night, a grim reminder to what we wish to forget, a dreadful statement in our testaments that change and mistakes are inevitable in life, so much so they happen at a daily basis.

I would remember the way I used to laugh when you're around, how my emotions would bubble with happiness, and somehow each note would carry some eternity in its existence, that we might- just might remain this way forever. Laugh at each other's company.

But in recollections, as they always do, laughter sounded accessory.

And after all, it won't take long to fall.

Snapshots

2010-09-20T00:37:00.002+08:00

"The list is so biased!"

"Yeah I know right, it's just so infuriating that people are segregated that way.Whatever happened to democracy.....(long pause) like the smart people are in one group and the not-so-intelligent are in another. And obviously we're placed in the former. That is just so unfair to the not-so-intelligent group!"

"Hahaha...."

"OMG AND THE CHINESE LEEK IS SO DUMB, SHOULD JOIN THAT GROUP UGH."

"Must be fun to have a chinese leek in your group.... hahaha"

One could only imagine how twisted my face is right now, studying Bio.

It's like twisted in a twisting manner as though someone had forgotten to untwist it.

Okay, never mind. Everyone gets my point, it's just so twisted it beats the twistability of the epitome of the twistables.

The night makes me sound ridiculous.

Maybe I'll edit this tmr, and concentrate on bio. :O

If you're about to take a tumble,

2010-09-18T02:02:00.005+08:00

grab my hand, and I'll pull you up.

If not, we can tumble together.

Whatever the case is, I won't let your hand slip away.

This, is what friends are for.

New shows all coming up, WOOHOO.

Totally exciting.

HIMYM, Chuck, Glee

and I know more but I can't remember them all.

And they all have to fall within the exam period ):

But I doubt 45mins/day will make any difference to my marks

-SCREAMSSSSSSSSSS

Nothing much to update about, except for the fact I got pushed to the first row for class phototaking.

It's all right, next time I'll wear 10cm heels with cushion inside.

I'll tower over all of you, muahahhahaha!

(For a while before I take my tumble)

I'm addicted to "Love still goes on" by Shinee, which is.... kind of weird.

I'm not into kpop, but the song is nice!

At least it keeps me happy throughout the grueling, testing, long night.

I bet this will make Hwee Min very happy.

[SLEEPY]

I should sleep soon, if not I'll turn cranky tomorrow.

Perhaps feed the PYPs to the paper shredder.

There's always some rationale behind an irrational act.

we are time capsules

2010-09-16T02:51:00.004+08:00

Like fingerprints, encased in each of our frames are shreds of who we were.

The child that had cried over the death of her pet cat,

could no longer cry.

Or to say the least, cry over the trivialities in life.

"The pressure envelopes the mind..."

she did not continue, for her hands were far from the keyboard, and immediately brought to her face.

In an attempt to retain whatever composure that was left of her ruins, she hides her tears.

Her hands, they reeked of defeat.

Unconsciously, she huddles into a tight ball, a stance that reiterated failure in its rawest forms.

Failure is neither chanced upon, nor is it sought. It is planned.

The perpetrators are, curiously, often ourselves.

Refrains

2010-09-11T14:53:00.003+08:00

-to repeat; lines that are repeated in music or in verse

If saying that could bring you back, I would say "I miss you, I miss you terribly" a million times.

If I could, I would bring you back myself.

But saying "I miss you" is all I could really do.

Because words cannot bring people back, and neither does a touch of a finger in Pushing Daisies.

In Literature, refrains are used to emphasise on a certain idea, or to propagate.

But when one reiterates a certain sentence too many times, the essence of that sentence is lost on itself. And that is exactly when Literature failed me.

I just started watching Pushing Daisies!

Nice plot, nice music, nice setting.

It's like dreamy, and the narration!

I would want to bake pies for life, hahaha. (That is if I can get better an oven that cooks evenly -.-)

Sorry Hwee Min and Darsh, the prospect of watching 5 seasons of HIMYM is like O.O

But I'll definitely devote holidays to it, wonderful show.

'Incredulous' is my new favourite word, because the ways of this world are just quite curious.

For you, I hope the joy of crying in class is still satisfying for you.

I hope the results comply with your desire.

Because friend, rivers do dry up, and when they do, no one is going to fish from your river.

Superfluous

2010-09-07T22:11:00.004+08:00

Nowadays, your name no longer sends the electrifying sensation through me.
Seeing you doesn't make me nervous anymore.
Hearing your criticisms about me doesn't make me panic.
One would be too liberal to say this is calm.

The best way to forget is not to forget.
By forgetting we place a conscious effort that makes us recall, in order to forget.
How could we forget after recalling?
When we see no need to forget something, it resides our brains.
If there isn't a force to awaken the memories, they remain in sweet slumber.
Then they won't make their way to the heart and kill my sunflowers.

We must both have been crazy.

A shapless reflection forms no image.

2010-09-04T22:04:00.003+08:00

I'd probably gotten over it.
My indifference scares me.
Some friends are more important in every aspect.
You'd say 'what's the difference?'
The difference is that she haven't tried tearing my social circle from inside out,
she haven't tried making my own friends turn their backs at me,
she haven't insisted that I'm not worthy.
she haven't made people try to doubt me.
And because of everything she haven't, she is my friend, and a very important friend indeed.
And because of everything you aren't, don't try comparing yourself to her.
Stop it, you know who I'm talking about, I've had enough.
Stop using her to find excuses for yourself, for goodness sake do you even know her?

You've ruined whatever image I once had, singlehandedly.
But like what I'd came up with in the showers,
"a shapeless reflection forms no image"
Ingenious phrases just forms in the mist of the showers, should be overdose on water vapour.

wear neon pink cos its attention-seeking

2010-09-03T23:24:00.004+08:00

If there ever is a waking moment of your increasingly daydream filled life with cotton candies in the sky and lush green pastures that you think, "Hey, I think Pei Pei would come back cos isn't that what she does with all her friends?"

Let me offer you one advice, kill that thought before it kills itself.

By the way, I don't see how getting every one of your little friends in the picture would benefit my anger. In case it does, evacuate five minutes before I start tearing up the picture, of course, keep yourself in it.

day eight: Please stay, and for my sake, don't ever leave

2010-08-31T23:08:00.003+08:00

Teacher's Day Celebrations today.
I miss Miss Loo so much, hahaha.
Inspiring teachers like her are so hard to find.

Went to JP with Darsh, and HweeMin.
Bought stationery and post-its!
So fascinated by post-its hahaha.
Then Fion joined us to eat at the carpark.
Best.
Fulfilling day, but homework's undone.
And there's zuowen omg.
Maybe I'll do the bulk of my homework tomorrow.
Weirdly, it feels like the weekends are here.
Totally sleepy and restless this morning, but Nandy was like so high
Hahhaa, influenced me to go gaga also.

I feel so bad I couldn't go back and meet up with pri sch friends.
Haha, haven't seen them since last year.
And interestingly, every time we meet it's like we had never left 6E at all

TPC crashed last Friday, so sad D:
It was on like vacation when I needed it most! So annoying!
Only when it's gone do I start missing it.
TPC, I LOVE YOU, PLEASE TRY YOUR BEST TO NOT LOSE THE DOCUMENTS.
ESPECIALLY MY SHOWS, AND MY MUSIC.
AND IF YOU LIKE, MY PHYSICS PPT COS THERE'S LIKE MILLIONS TO DOWNLOAD AND ALL SCATTERED IN E-MAILS.
But thank goodness IC's over and done with forever.
All the duties just start piling over themselves, forming this huge heap of crap my eyes can't bear to see for the sake of my sanity.
Choir practices during hols are just insane, sorry to whoever who came up with the ingenuity of 9-5 practices.
I'm just going to collapse during holidays, if it even can be called holidays.

Looking forward to friends' chalet after exams!
But I need to get over with exams first, which is like o.o

Okay, I shall finish my final preparations for O lvls, and start on my A lvls.

Day seven: head under water now I can breathe

2010-08-23T18:33:00.004+08:00

Day 1 of elearning, a good start I must say.

Lots of jokes, as usual.

So proud of myself, I actually completed all my async homework :O

I find that amazing too.

Outing tomorrow with JFYR.

Honestly, I doubt I will cry during the movie.

I'll prolly be sitting amidst a crying crowd of 3,

with a very disturbed, very confused, very stoned face.

I wonder how I can look disturbed, confused and stoned at the same time... but nvm

I'll get ready to get intrigued by the power of the 3 and their active tear glands.

I heard they have a great name for tears, better bring swimsuit tmr.

OH WOW, FION JUST SAID THAT... THAT...

SLAP YOUR FACE FION. BE GLAD THERE'S NO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

I'll keeeel you nonetheless, stupid rest.

Day Six: love is ended before it's begun

2010-08-22T21:20:00.004+08:00

"You can never leave her on your own, you know that"

"So help me."

Day Five: "You could have been so much happier"

2010-08-19T22:03:00.004+08:00

"Just what are you still holding on?"

"Honestly... I don't know. Probably everything about her."

-slaps forehead in dismay-

Somewhere in the dormant parts of my brain is a novel thought of never leaving that is sweet in slumber, unwoken and undisturbed.

But could someone really not leave? No matter how one may attempt to repeat that to herself constantly, reality refutes that possibility.

Then, what if we don't live in reality? Because this feeling is surreal and never chanced upon.

If I'd say I'll never leave, would you leave me then?

I miss talking normally to you, nowadays we just fight and quarrel.

I miss you, I really do.

I could tell you everyday, you mean more to me than what you might think.

I could promise you many things, I could tell you jokes everyday.

But how would that make me a friend? More of a joke.

"Maybe all you need to let her go is when you see your other friends leave one by one, with your obsession over solving the unsolvable."

"That would be awful. Nothing is unsolvable, you just got to try."

"Very awful indeed. Try as you might, your solution might cripple you , leave you shattered."

"Let it be, shattered jewels don't lose their shine."

Day four: Incoherence

2010-08-15T17:41:00.004+08:00

"It is like coffee without coffee or sugar, utterly bitter it numbs the senses and pains the heart"

I miss the way I used to write, my writing style is rubbish now.

With my standard of writing now, I can't seem to get anything across.

My writing is like an empty shell, soulless, housing nothing but grief.

Grief is something, it resonates in the depths of a broken soul, and weighs it down.

It is shapeless, intangible, and something you can't perceive until you've lost someone you love dearly.

Grief leaves footprints and burns scars, marks you can't erase.

Grief is not sadness, it is a longing for something lost.

Grief ails the mind.

I can escape, but how far can I run.

Not far, I'm not that strong.

Day three: Mercy

2010-08-13T22:14:00.003+08:00

I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain.

Its laughter and its loving I disdain.

I actually liked the 2 lines above, new found appreciation for Lit tests.

Today very simply sucked.

Emaths test was pure horror and Geog test was disappointing.

And amidst all other matters, yeah today was an awful day.

But I had some fun with friends, I guess they tried.

I'm so tired, physically and mentally.

This week's been a struggle, test every other day and studying non-stop.

day two: open doors

2010-08-12T00:48:00.003+08:00

Amaths test tmr, panics.

and Lit test, panics more.

and Binomial is effectively screwing my life up.

Crap crap crap.

AND THERE'S EMATHS TEST TMR, WITH COORDINATE GEOMETRY AND THE TRIGO AND TRIANGLES, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME

AND THERES CHOIR TMR.

-SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY.

With the intense workload and daily struggle with homework,

I'll never get to watch Salt, and by the time I have time to watch something, they'll be showing Pepper already.

Today when I told her everything,

I felt vulnerable all of a sudden, about how fragile this is actually.

Painful to watch, afraid that the slightest touch would send it shattering into pieces.

Scared of holding it in my hands in hope of not crushing it myself.

But today, when I finally got it off my chest, I realise that I may have been wrong.

"Take a leap of faith."

I shall forget about Amaths and take a leap of faith into my bed, hahaha.

Day One: Saturation

2010-08-10T21:49:00.004+08:00

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever"

Who knew Winnie the Pooh could be that touching? Awww.

-smiles like a crazy kid.

I'm starting on a very EGGCITING 30-day letter writing project to people I appreciate.

I guess I'll have to start with C2 people since it's been super long since I last talked to them.

Many people I must write to on my mind, should be quite rewarding.

Inspired (and inhaled) by FION THE BEAR. Thanks Fion.

I just need to hear you say it.

Tell me, and I'll let go.

When you think it's about time, when you're tired of me, tell me.

And I'll leave.

"Go Peipei!"

2010-08-06T21:50:00.006+08:00

Spent NDP today with C1, super fun!

We got very high and started jumping at the hall for every single song.

Damn cool, we're the only class in yellow.

Sad, I can't "pop" my voice anymore,

side effects of joining the Choir, every note is joined to the next and the next.

"Go Choir!"

Kind of regretted not performing, one point gone just like that.

But I had fun fun fun with friends!

I hope everyday's National Day Celebrations.

Watched Inception with friends today,

super good show.

It's so confusingly interesting and so exhilarating, really.

I can't believed I jumped at the movie, so fun.

I would definitely buy the DVD when it comes out and hold movie marathons.

"You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you, But you cannot be sure. But it doesn't matter, because we'll be together"

Haha, I know Grace will be harping about how I copied her personal message, but I don't care about her :D

I like this quote, it's so literature-ish!

Ate like a million things today, must slim down :X

I like going out with friends, quite fun.

Then we started popping into clothes shops and ate ate ate.

Ugh, I just remembered I forgot to eat the Chippy thing):

I shall go on to enjoy my hols in the most effective way, goodnight everyone!

I care about you, because you're my best friend.

2010-08-04T00:43:00.005+08:00

This post has no relevance to this cheesy title,

not going to dedicate love messages to people at all.

Though I have Physics test tmr, I'm going to fail.

and although I would much prefer passing it, I don't mind seeing him for extra lessons, etc

I think I need help for Physics.

Thank goodness I'm in C1.

Amidst all the stress and anxiety I face every single day, which would one day lead me on to the road of coronary heart disease,

At least I'm not constantly stressed up and disturbed with news flash of Choir.

I'm sorry, I can't bring myself to enjoy it.

It's true, one whole day of accumulated happiness dissipates the moment I step into that room.

To me, everything inside seems fake.

I feel fake inside, hypocritical to the very least.

But I guess being in a class without any Choir members makes me dislike Choir even more.

I feel no pressing need, motivation of any sort to attend Choir sessions anymore.

At least last time I had Chong to drag me there.

But now, it's just my bag dragging me... the direction opposite.

Left with the choice of just going home and lacking in self-discipline, every Tuesday and Thursday is basically horrible.

(any choir people see this, you know me well enough, you would know this for a fact, so yeah don't be too shocked)

I see the rate my friends leaving one by one, and it scares me.

I feel the pressing need to do something for a change. But I can't think of what or how to change.

Right now, I'm just in the kind of mode where you can just leave whenever you like, enter whenever you want.

My heart is like an open door, fully accessible right now.

Worse, all these happening subconsciously.

Being too caught up with work, it offers some form of solace.

It's like a buffer, to keep working your head off to shake some unpleasant feelings within.

I miss C2, I still miss C2.

I miss my old life, my old tablemates, my old friends in Choir, my old teachers.

I miss whatever I had left behind in my hurry to move on.

Too fast,too hasty.

Pledging allegiance

2010-07-29T00:03:00.002+08:00

Been half-dead lately.

Kind of sucks to be sick, can't concentrate.

And grammatical mistakes just seem inevitable, brain isn't working well.

It's barely past 12 and I'm already feeling sleepy.

This is bad, very very sad.

I suppose everyone's stressed up about the upcoming tests.

Feels like common tests, like an omen.

Okay, I shall go back to studying before I fall asleep for good.

mannequins

2010-07-23T21:37:00.003+08:00

Since I'm already feeling sleepy and will sleep once my hair dries, I might as well blog now.

Had CPR practise yesterday, hahaha, quite cool.

But it's so difficult to press the mannequin down.

The air wasn't flowing into my mini anne, and I was freaking out.

Turned out I was blocking the "airway" which my fingers -.-

Hmm, life's been a struggle, but I'm fine.

Lots and lots of tests and quiz during this period of time, wondering how I'm going to cope with the workload.

Been studying with jh, R and hp nowadays. Though nothing productive usually comes out of our little study sessions, it's fun to just sit together and talk nonsense while jh tries to make us concentrate (often to no avail)

Today was a seemingly long day, hated the way it seemed to stretch endlessly.

I was feeling so tired and vexed during every single lesson, and I couldn't concentrate at all.

There's like this constant pressure to concentrate on my chest but I just can't, and then I get more pressurised.

Went out to nom with jh and mad at Subway!

Yum yum, I like the sandwiches there, they're HEALTHY and DELICIOUS.

Sigh, tired alrdy. Tomorrow will be a really long and stressful day):

there was something about that night that had faded away

2010-07-19T22:17:00.002+08:00

CREZAWARDS.

Epic night, hahaha.

Went to support friends that were competing, scream until I nearly lost my voice (again).

We nearly went crazy when it was jh's turn to dance, hahaha.

The performances were good, really.

Had lots of fun with C2 and C1 friends.

Super epic cos we were the only crazy ones screaming and waving non-stop at the gallery.

Fun nonetheless, hahaha.

Last year's crezawards was even more crazy, this year's very controlled already okay!

I hope that feeling would stand,

so please, let it continue.

Believe me, I'm just as apprehensive, because I don't even know what I'll be thinking the next minute (obviously).

It's been decided long ago, I just have to abide by it, or try to.

I don't want to leave you, no matter how I rephrase and repackage it, the meaning still stands.

It's all based on intuition, and none on facts.

Maybe it's time I start thinking logically and not let my feelings run ahead of me.

99.9% an ALTO TWO singer and damn proud of it

2010-07-15T23:31:00.003+08:00

I'll just pretend I'd never heard her say it,

then I won't have to do it and suffer.

To a certain someone:

I told you 5 seconds was all I needed. Took me 5 minutes, forgot I'm dealing with superglue.

Omg, I'm so tired after 2.4

I actually fell asleep during Bio! Which is my favourite subject.

(guilty)

But seriously, I couldn't help it. My eyelids just started fluttering non-stop throughout the lesson cos my body is telling me to sleep and my brain is telling me, "NOOO, BIO TIME!"

So my eyes were opening and closing, must have looked spastic.

I wonder why I fight with myself for such things, silly me.

Omg, I'm yawning like every 5 seconds while typing this. Super duper tired.

I should just sleep and forget about Chem.

Hi there

2010-07-13T21:07:00.002+08:00

You can always consider copying my posts and just posting it.

when the days seem too long to handle

2010-07-12T19:24:00.002+08:00

Paul isn't going to be made into takopachi!

I think..

They say when you feel a jolt, a falling sensation in your sleep,

you've let something pass.

I don't know how true that is... but it's been rather true for me.

Ran for 30mins today, it wasn't very tiring.

Was thinking about some things, I guess that eased the fatigue.

Hmm, but I'll just eat more percy and gain back everything I've lost.

Haha, my mum's saying I call Percy like its my friend :D

Sigh, I got a million things to think about.

White lies

2010-07-11T22:32:00.004+08:00

People's been making all the decisions for me.

I no longer have to think about the implications,

because they've all been decided.

Sometimes, all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry.

And then have someone to hold my hand and tell me its all right.

Even though being all right is bleak, it's still comforting to fool yourself into thinking everything is.

"Letting go"

I'm starting to hate that phrase.

Because when you can't hold on any more, then simply cling on.

Times have shown me just how my decisions fail me repeatedly.

So if anyone wants to leave me, do me the mercy and just say that you're "leaving"

Then I won't have to speculate the reasons.

Yet another example of how my decisions are made by someone else.

In the dark, everything seems larger than life.

People just play with my life like its worth nothing.

They come and they leave at their wish.

So tired of being at the disposal of someone else,

of orchestrating my dear life, throwing me off the hill as and when they desire.

I feel like I'm choking.

They all think I'm some superhuman, I can handle all the stress, the pain, the pressure.

No I can't, I can't take this at all.

I'm just a human.

reversy percy!

2010-07-09T23:39:00.003+08:00

I flunked Orals, seriously.

I couldn't answer the question at all.

I was stammering and uhm-ing throughout the entire conversation.

And everything that came out never travelled through my brain.

It was like an adrenaline rush and I started speaking very quickly.

I don't think I had enough content, crap):

I really don't want to flunk Chinese because of Orals.

Other than the terrifying Orals, other things had been going rather well.

I like Elect Geog now, hahaha, apart from the fact that I wasn't able to do Amaths.

Lean on me, when you're not strong.

I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on.

For it won't be long till I gonna need someone to lean on.

I haven't given up, I just haven't cared from the very start

2010-07-08T00:36:00.003+08:00

I will sleep at 1:30 am

If I fail Emaths, then too bad for me, honestly.

Okay okay, maybe I don't want to fail, hahaha.

I realise I have nothing to comment about that at all.

Watched the C1 debate, damn cool.

C2 put up a strong fight, hahaha, we were so lucky to have won.

But all the speakers were so good in English

made me feel inferior about my standard of 'Engrish', hahaha

Hmm, today had been a fun day, I guess.

Honestly, I'm rather worried about the upcoming Orals,

it's like finally dawning on me that hey, the orals are REALLY here.

I'm quite dead, honestly. I want to dig a hole and bury my face in it.

My standard of spoken Mandarin is a far cry from the scholars standards.

Not that I'm so full of myself to compare with them, but there's this invisible pressure somehow.

I don't intend to try and win them, hahah, I'd be crazy to think of that.

I just want an A, really.

Not that it's remotely easy to achieve...

Black holes

2010-07-06T23:27:00.002+08:00

It's as though I've just conceived a black hole within me.

It's sucking and gripping at my insides, and I'm immobilized by the escalating pain.

Beneath the seemingly cool exterior, a storm is brewing.

Friends, thanks.

Really, thanks for making me realise that I'm not alone.

You may not understand just how much it means to me, but it means a lot.

Thanks for allowing me to just cry and run into your arms.

Or talking on msn without having to worry.

I'll promise you guys that I will be better real soon.

When the time comes, let me share your burdens too.

I'm so thankful God placed such wonderful people in my life.

I'm sorry for always make you guys heal all the wounds and listened to my incessant blabberings.

When life showed me that I was a completely useless sucker, thanks for telling me that I am worth more than a worthless piece of shit.

I have greater ambitions than being a QM all my life.

Well, I'm afraid it's part of my nature to consistently snap at people. Oops, sorry.

And I need you more than ever

2010-07-05T23:40:00.002+08:00

Well, maybe I won't leave.

Haha, I knew I can't right from the start, no matter how I try to fool myself.

Sadly, best friends hardly ever come by. (obvious enough, non-lit student??)

You do owe me a lot for my various services, I want payback time.

Hmm, help me do Maths?

I love you, never mind you're a 80-year-old.

Hmm, I'll back you up for whatever decision you make.

Amaths test, not confident at all.

Shucks, sure die.

Weekend was spent ending Lie to me and starting Numb3rs.

I'm so dead, seriously. Better get back into momentum.

Shit, I'm coughing again:/

Eject!

2010-07-03T12:11:00.002+08:00

Okay, so I do suck. Whatever.

You didn't have to shove it in my face.

2.4 on Thursday, it was terrible.

I ran and failed, joy.

Halfway through the run I swear I wanted to just sit down and stop.

Thank goodness I didn't run with Mad, I bet I'll throw up trying to catch up with her.

Lots of bloody things happening in my damn life.

And all of which seems to overlap with the emotions of those whom I can talk to.

So I can't really say anything, keep everything inside.

Only few I can talk to would be those that are not inside the vortex of horror.

And thank goodness they're not.

Watching Lie to me, hehehe.

Of you.

2010-06-30T22:54:00.006+08:00

You have the mystic power of pulling me apart unlike any I've known.

You make my heart palpitate with fear I haven't felt before.

You had the ability to bring me to my knees and cry.

Just you, only you.

So tell me, why of all people, why you?

/edit

RANT. COS I AM SO PISSED OFF SUDDENLY. This has got nothing to do with the abovementioned.

I have yet to reconcile with the fact I have to leave once you're fine.

I told myself I would, once convinced myself I could.

Yet right now, I can't bring myself to do it anymore.

You give me false faith I can't handle intelligently.

You make me believe, then you inject hope for the hopeless

I've known, I've been through it, seen it happen, felt the impact.

And yet, and yet, I know I can't lose you.

A promise is a promise, even when it is to oneself.

If I said I would do it, I have to.

I have bent all rules, and I've been helping you.

I know that once you're okay, I will walk away.

No matter how difficult it is, I know I will.

I have come thus far without examining the reasons, blindly walking through this without a care for the impact I have to brace myself for.

I know this would hurt you, I'm sorry.

The truth, though I might have forgiven all and forgotten some, I can't bring myself to deal with another one of the serial dramas, it is taxing and I don't have much energy left in me.

Unless I can find some reason to stay, I will leave.
I can't continue living in a lie I've naively fabricated myself.

Serial dramas end some where, curtain call.

The finale, the last episode, the end.

I hated the idea of adding on to your current sorrows, so I've chosen a later date, when you've got everything restored. So that if it should impact you, you had something to fall back on.

Because I know just how important friends are, they've shone a lot of light into my issues.

Though we share different social circles, I think they possess a certain quality that make them friends in the first place.

I can't believe up till this stage I still care. Honestly, I never knew I was this nice, hahaha.

I'm sorry, I know I've always been typing nice things only about this group of people which I can't name explicitly on my blog.

It's about time they realise what I'm worth.

Seriously, I'm not a wonder woman.

I can't be a seamstress, electrician, mover, slave, accountant, email spammer and I don't know what else I've been transforming into and be a human and a friend at the same time.

I hate the fact that now I'm bringing these into my class.

It's blurring the lines and crossing boundaries, I don't like that idea very much.

I hate the fact that my friends think this suck, cos in reality, we don't suck that much.

I wonder why I have to come home every session feeling sick and pissed off about something and I have to bring it into class the next day.

I realise I'm just doing it for myself, tell myself that I have done everything I could have. In return, I get guilt-free nights, and I get to sleep soundly.

But the only politically correct reason would be because I want to serve them.

The irony of it all, seriously.

If I don't leave without making it clear that QMs are in every bit deserving of something better, I guess I have failed as one.

days in the life of Donald Duck

2010-06-26T22:25:00.007+08:00

Days have been all messed up.

Hopefully I get my momentum back before the Orals.

I cannot afford to flunk Chinese.

Went to a doctor today.

The first thing he asked after examining was, "Are you a singer?"

Haha, don't know if I should be honoured or embarrassed.

Honoured that hey, my throat screams SINGER. (It probably forget about the word "lousy" before it)

I saw him write "sore throat, singing"

Okay, I admit it, my handwriting is worse.

Embarrassed cos hm, I don't know... I just feel weirdly embarrassed cos after three years of choral training, I can still effectively sing until sore throat.

Yay me. I rock.

The medicine was so amazing, seriously.

The moment I ate it, my voice came back o.o

and I started singing Amazing Grace.

I was so happy with myself until I got knocked out by the cough syrup,

after 1.5 hours of fight with myself (yes, myself) cos I didn't want to be knocked out by this seemingly defenseless bottle of blackish liquid.

Of course it got the better of me and poof, I went to lalaland.

When I woke up, my beautiful voice became hoarse once again):

Cannot annoy people already.

Darshini and I are addicted to Glee, hahaha.

It makes me so glee-ful!

I love Sue, she is so cool seriously.

"got them to yank out my tear ducts, weren't using them anymore"

(Y)

Kurt is cool too, I like his voice.

Though I'm not too happy about the fact that he can reach notes I can't.

Still love his voice, velvety and rich, hehehe.

How I wish I had one of their voices (daydreams)

I haven't done Lit, oops.

2010-06-24T18:10:00.002+08:00

Haha, I'm officially addicted to Glee.

Watch 7 episodes today, woohoo!

Totally not looking forward to school reopening.

Just saw the oral exams e-mail.

Mine is on the 9th, really really scared.

I was never this afraid for an exam, even when I didn't study for Geog.

I feel like crying, shit.

I wonder why, but I feel like I will screw this and I know I can't flunk this.

If I flunk this, I will affect the L1R5 and I will have to study 2 more years of Mother Tongue!

I feel so freaked out and vexed out now.

Maybe banging my head against the wall would work.

I hate orals, seriously, no matter how talkative I usually am, I always get tongue-tied.

Must must pick up an oral assessment and study as though my life depends on it.

Actually, very much so.

Now that I remember, my throat is so screwed,

my voice is like very very bad.

UGHHH, I shall drown myself with water from today onwards.

Die also must get an A1.

Shit, I'm so stressed. Must talk to someone.

-hands flapping.

consistency

2010-06-21T23:29:00.002+08:00

Me: I think I'm falling rock bottom.

Reply: Then you know you can't fall any further.

My throat feels parched and somewhat like a sandpaper.

And to add on the fun, my nose is like an open tap.

Yeah, great.

Homework's undone and I'm so sick.

Yay! What more can I ask for?

Thank goodness I'm not going to HK, I probably won't get pass the health screening.

My engine is running out of fuel and I'm running out of hope.

I don't know if what I'm doing is right.

What if I don't snap out of it soon enough, what if I just fall in like I always do?

I don't dare to think of the consequences.

Sometimes, all I need are people that would stay with me throughout.

And I'm so thankful to have many of such awesome people around.

I feel like I owe them so much, to the extent I feel I can never repay them.

But of course, this will come in a letter (that is if I have the time amidst my busy homework schedule, hahah)

I know I've always been your plaything.

Like a dog, you command me to listen to you.

Stay by your side, listen to your heart cry.

The downside of it all, I'm completely at your disposal.

And when I'm disposed, I'm thrown into total loss.

Then, you probably feel guilty and bring me back.

It's a bloody vicious cycle.

I have never gone to such extends to maintain a friendship this vulnerable.

Just so you know, I only invest in things I think will work.

Time and love, are my greatest investments on hand.

(shit, im referring myself to a dog?!)

The sunflower field.

2010-06-17T22:54:00.004+08:00

Just before you start reading, I'm sorry friends.

Can't help it lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Right now the sunflowers in my field doesn't look right.

Imprints of the past summers, dissipate in the winds.

My heart is lonely and unsure.

In all its glory and splendour, the devastation suspends in the stagnant air.

My heart cringes as the breeze brushes the sunflowers.

Elongated shadows form before me. Then, a distorted image.

A flurry of activity comes to life.

Something chases and tramples me.

The human, the lie, the raw emotions and the conscience.

On days I feel like giving up,

a miracle comes along.

Suddenly I see light on the other end.

But they hardly last long.

I've been seeking the closure that I desperately needed.

But as I inch my way in, I keep bouncing back to square one.

Raw emotions at play with each other.

A knocking against my chest.

Grace:

Personally, I take a lot of pride in looking out for the finest detail.

I know you care, I really do.

I am going to care for you, like I always had.

I will walk you out of this, carry you out of the mess you've created,

because that is what best friends do.

I'm sorry if I didn't believe you last time.

But well, it's too late for regrets.

I promise you, I will never get up and leave.

I'm sorry for all the past mistakes.

Promise me you'll get well soon.

Sucks, but I love you too much to see you hurt yourself this way.

[Knocking]

2010-06-16T00:00:00.003+08:00

My toe is like super swollen and I have no idea why.

I mean, how on earth can it just swell up like a balloon??

I hope it'll deflate like one and hopefully before the next lesson.

If not I can really cry.

I got reminded of Fion's little joke just now, hahahha.

Fion, if you're reading this, sorry ah.

I got reminded of the "woof!"thing.

It was super epic, you rock.

I'm so tired omg.

So tied down by all these surrounding me.

I hardly have any space to breathe.

Just when I'm about to sit down and solve a problem,

another crops up and I have to run again.

Running to and fro, it's so tiring.

But to a great extent, rather rewarding.

Sometimes, things crop up suddenly,

and I'm caught in the jam again.

Honestly, being the only one in Choir in C1 isn't making things easy.

Of course, I get to enjoy Choir-free days whenever I'm in class.

But when something in Choir crops up, I really have no idea who to tell, what to say.

Most parts of me is grateful to be in this class, and others maybe not...

I guess it just hurts cos there's really no one to relate to back in class in Choir.

But anyways, we're not supposed to be talking... comm members 20 push-ups leh!

Sometimes, it's a lot better being there for someone, than being away from someone.

Exeunt.

2010-06-12T23:13:00.003+08:00

Haha, I finally found a site that hosts Chuck too.

So happy(:

I'm very happy today,

I ate a tub of ice-cream.

I promised myself, to never look back and come to terms with it.

All along I've been jealous.

So I'll go ahead with my life from now on.

Never look back, never look back.

I really want to thank Angela.

You're really like a lie detector, hahahaha

No matter how much I say I'm okay,

you'll always figure out some way or another.

Heehee.

On My Own- Les Miserables

2010-06-11T12:42:00.000+08:00

And now I'm all alone again, no where to go no one to turn to,

without a hope without a friend without a face to say hello too.
And now the night is near,
And I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

To all my friends,

2010-06-10T22:51:00.004+08:00

I think I've let all my friends down.

For someone who have promised me nothing at all, I've been spending all my efforts.

And for you guys, the people that really stood by, you've promised me everything that mattered.

Madeline, Shu Min, Xiao Ying:

You've promised me unfailing friendships I do not deserve.

You've promised to keep me close, always.

You've promised to hold me in place when something strikes my heart.

You've promised me that no matter what happens, you'll always be ready for the call.

You've promised me nothing but the truth.

You've promised me that I will never ever be dumped out along with someone else's trash, and if I ever do, you'll make sure I'm wrapped so that I won't get dirty.

You've promised me care, in the noble, unrequited sense.

You've promised me many other things and you've always lived up to it.

I really feel so awful. For the past week or so, I haven't been spending a lot of time talking to you guys.

I do care, really. Just give me some time, I need to sort some things out.

And even then, I wonder when I'll really be fine.

If I ever do, I'll look forward to talking crap to you people.

That defining moment

2010-06-10T22:17:00.004+08:00

I don't know anymore.

I want to know the answers but I doubt I'll be able to take it.

Maybe I won't try to understand anymore.

I wonder why I'm believing this,

when I knew the truth and I desperately wanted out,

I know that I'm knee-deep into this, and I might as well not try.

I might as well die with the fact that I'm always too naive.

I wrote this with tears, born from the core of my heart.

"And things are going fine right?"

Lies are used to convince others, not yourself.

Because when you lie to yourself, your conscience weakens you, you're a loser, you use lies to comfort yourself.

Only, it doesn't comfort me, it just hurts even more.

Pei Pei, just how hypocritical can you get? Get a life.

Friend, I wish you well.

2010-06-10T00:02:00.004+08:00

Take a chance.

Went out with friends today, fun day(:

Thank you for today.

I wonder why, you guys always make me better in obscure ways.

Nonetheless, I think I'm better now, thank you all.

Hahha, you kids are totally obsessed with the maltese!

But I still like the bunnies, they look fluffy!

Sometimes, I take quiet moments to cry.

Silently I'll pray for what I've done and what I haven't.

Many times I've lied in omission.

It's good to take a few minutes to repent and reflect, and perhaps to clear my mind.

A few moments to cry and just think about myself, and nothing else.

I'm so stressed lately I have no idea why.

I get upset and irritated for the simplest things, and that isn't the way I'm hoping to head towards.

Sometimes, I wonder why I try so hard to get myself cranky and worked up for nothing.

What a friend said was right, I'm some selfish kid who can't seem to believe that others are trying or they care unless they've cared all the way, whenever I have the slightest meltdown.

I think my life is laughable, a mockery of its own.

"Lord, help me."

Adagio

2010-06-07T23:01:00.005+08:00

Giving up is a form of escape.

But life never provided a detailed escape route.

If I do escape one day, I'll escape to Wonderland.

Maybe I'll enjoy a cup of tea and vanish.

The thing is, you can't vanish without leaving behind a trace.

It's just whether one would want to seek you, or leave you in subtle mystery.

People have been telling me I'm stubborn.

Okay, yes, I admit I am stubborn.

So since Im so stubborn and annoying all of you, why not you just leave me alone, and then no one will get annoyed, no one will be sad, no one will feel like they've done a disservice.

For all the past wrong, for all my wilful thinking, I am sorry.

For all the pain, the suffering, the time, the effort, the pixels on the screen, I am yet again sorry.

I know I'm annoying to all of my friends, people probably won't ever want to hear me anymore, so yes, leave me alone.

And don't ever care about me anymore.

And for you, if you are caring now, or you have been always caring, then I'm sorry. Don't care anymore.

When presented with a polished surface, I'm sorry, but I'll scrutinise the cracks that were once there. And with that, in literal sense, I can't forget that easily, I can't put aside the past problems, and when I look at them altogether, they seem bigger than life, and I feel scared and intimidated to approach again. I know no one is perfect, but I'm a perfectionist, and it's difficult to look past the flaws, but to stop and stare at it, possibly hoping it'll vanish.

I'm sorry cos I always make myself look high and mighty. I am not. And I know you hate that point you just somehow failed to mention. I hate my own face too, sometimes, I wish I wasn't born with this personality, this face, this brain which is good for nothing. Sure, I may have many achievements, but if trigonometry can ever solve this, maybe I'll have better success at it.

Having said all these, it isn't all my imperfections. I'm just hoping that when you stalk my blog and see this, you'll be a step further into hating me and maybe you'll not care. No matter how hypocritical the previous request is, I want you to not care anymore. Don't waste your efforts on me, I'm not worth it.

We ought to be completely truthful,

2010-06-07T01:26:00.003+08:00

but it's just like scraping at healing wounds.

It'll hurt, tremendously,

To be honest, tomorrow can only go one-way, or so I predict.

We'll just sit there and go easy with one another, thereby defeating the whole point of the discussion,

and then it'll be okay.

Or so we shall perceive at the end of it.

Because there will be things unsaid, for the fear of exploding the serenity.

Because there will be ill feelings morphed into something of a kinder quality so that we can take the impact.

Because there are times when we feel that staying is a better choice for the next available one would be to take the plunge and turn into something disastrous.

It took me ages to get over with the whole thing, with the help of many people.

I'm afraid tomorrow will be a mental meltdown again, or a avalanche of emotions, whichever is better.

Time sealed the gaping wounds, and I was nearly fine until that day.

When literally, all hell broke loose.

The whole unfortunate incident triggered the feelings within me.

The wounds were reopened, the pain crippled me.

The anguish flooded my sanity and I was reduced to who I was before restoration.

And so, I am going to ask a question I know might crush me.

I will be fine again, but too experienced to note: never the same again.

The last act.

2010-06-05T23:56:00.004+08:00

I've decided to be optimistic about it.

Even if it flops, at least we both tried.

I think its time for me to be less self-centred.

You've probably tried just as much, if not more than me.

The dancer swirled on the stage, her final pose.

Applause, and the curtains start to fall.

She held tears spinning in her eyes, for she knew that was the end.

The last act.

Sometimes, all you need is one phone call.

2010-06-04T21:30:00.004+08:00

I try to forget, forget about everything.

But the more I try, the pain hurts to the very core of my heart.

The chill sets me shivering, and yet I can't do anything but keep trying to forget

Because I know, if I ever can forget, I can never try to revisit the past memories.

The very thought of you can set me on the brink of tears.

I have no idea how I'm going to talk to you anymore.

I'll probably go speechless on Monday, and maybe forever after.

I have no confidence now, I doubt ever.

It's too late to rekindle this, too late.

Until yesterday when I finally broke down for good, I never thought it would come to this.

I called Madeline, and I only heard the first few lines she said, because thereafter, I couldn't think straight anymore.

The thought of you, the whole situation, sent me into a wild frenzy and my head started spinning.

I started screaming everything that coursed my head yesterday, everything after 1130 and everything before.

Then the tears started to roll down, and I felt defenseless, I felt lonely, I felt ashamed.

Why was I crying, when they 2 had more depressing things to settle.

Why now, not before, not after, why that day.

I continued screaming until my voice when hoarse, and the thoughts just start rushing in, filling in the space in my head, attempting to escape.

I can't hold it in, not for long.

"Calm down, calm down. Chill, things are going to be fine."

No, I can't calm down, up till this moment I still can't let it go.

I wonder why.

Yesterday, I was convinced things may actually be okay.

I thought it may solve it all

But then, I realise this may yet be another bag full of lies.

The more I think of it, the more depressed I am

Even till now, I still have no faith.

Daphne tried to make it better, but she's hanging by a thread too.

I don't understand, why can't you come clean with me.

Why would you keep it all inside, even when it concerned me.

I had asked myself, time and again, why was I trying so hard.

Because I cared, for every single emotion you had.

I believed that this would turn out well.

But up to date, I've tried, and nothing seems to be in the way intended.

In fact, its going downhill.

Im asking myself, if I should even try on Monday,

should I call it off for good, let go for good and hope that I can relief myself from the pain.

I pray for faith I do not deserve, I pray for this friendship to not sink.

I pray and yes I pray, for a heart that learns to trust.

Love never fails, love never did.

2010-06-01T00:39:00.002+08:00

Hello Grace, Happy Birthday.

I know I always make you irritated and you'll get upset with me. Thanks for always trying to set things right even when things don't ever seem to. Don't stress yourself so much, I think you're already an awesome SL. Okay, I spent 2hours making your stupid birthday card, and stayed up after 12 to send you the stupid SMS, so you'd better be nice to me!

Okay anyways, don't bottle things within yourself anymore, don't ever let us worry anymore (OR I'LL COME AFTER YOU.)

---

I've seen it happen many times.

I saw this one happen.

I witnessed the damage, the heap of broken hearts and lost faith.

Then I tell myself, to never ever do this my friends.

If only you could see the hurt you've done, the bleeding hearts out of a unfulfilled friendship.

A change you've set irreversible, could change if you would.

Set them free, my friend. They don't deserve this as much as you didn't.

But if not for friendship, would this have happened?

They're all waiting, to see the miracle happen.

A friendship rejuvenated by a touch of hope, let it blossom.

sunshine of our hearts

2010-05-27T19:14:00.002+08:00

I really will miss seeing Miss Loo around during Morning assemblies and whenever she walks past our classroom before going to the C3 classroom.

I'll have to admit, she's one of my favourite teachers,

I was reading her comments on my report book in 2C2 yesterday,

then I ended up crying.

I remember her telling me to read the comments seriously and abide by it,

then after looking at it yesterday, I finally realise her meaning

"Keep working hard in upper sec"

Yes Ms Loo, I will.

If it wasn't for her patience in teaching me Maths, I would never have grasp the concepts of Maths, much less do Sec3 Maths.

She laid the foundations right, and I'll probably always owe it to her for my Maths results.

In Sec1, I was a Maths failure, I couldn't care less about Maths and actually almost failed the subject.

Thank goodness she taught me right in Sec2, making me stay back for her remedial lessons and graduating from it and popping back in again.

I'm definitely not the brightest student around, and her patience and motivation really helped me to improve.

Initially, she forced me to do maths. Now, I do it willingly.

I guess she left a really great impact and impression on every one of her students.

This is one classic example of how good teachers pop into your life once in a while.

Thank God I was taught by her, seriously.

I will miss many things about her.

One would be that whenever she's leaving school and walking past the see-saw area, and whenever she sees me there doing I-dont-know-what, she'll always tell me to "go home"

I'm a forgetful person, but I'll never forget Miss Loo, no matter how hard I may try.

Colour wheel

2010-05-20T21:24:00.003+08:00

Things we dread the most,

are things that never seem to go.

Okay, so Choir made me feel better.

Most would go like, "huh, seriously?!"

But yeah yeah, I think it's a nice place to hide from whatever I'm scared of now.

My results were...uhm...

Humanities were badly done, that's all I shall say.

I'm thinking of dropping Core lit :/

But I haven't decide so I shall think about it.

Life in class, is as bad as anyone could imagine.

On my scale of loneliness and extreme grief, I'll give it a 7.5

Usually they say I don't smile anywhere, okay okay.

But really, life makes it hard to smile.

Like, how to smile when I got B4 for SS and it's supposedly "super easy to score"?

I'm tired of life, seriously. I hate exams.

and most of all, I hate hypocritical self.

I wonder how I can step into class, smile and look nice to everyone, with occasional meltdowns that no one usually notices, and then step out and be myself all over again.

It's kind of hard to explain just how miserable life is when everything's that piled up looks like crap to me.

The day we searched for something that wasn't there

2010-05-17T22:52:00.002+08:00

I'm going out of shape, oh joy.

I want to thank all the people whom I've started my conversation with 'Omg, you know my day was so screwed?"

Because none of you tried to make me shut up, or at least I can't feel it outwardly.

I saw this really beautiful butterfly this morning while passing C3.

I usually freak out at the sight of butterflies, but I stopped and stared at it.

It was rainbow-coloured, as much as you can't believe it, I can't believe what I saw.

But it was there, flapping its wings in a slow but definite motion.

It was soothing, and relaxing at the same time.

I watched and when I recovered my sense I rushed into class to get Shobini to take a look at it

and it turned out I wasn't dreaming, we were so amazed, haha.

Then, I felt God's presence.

He is always around us, and his comfort would reach us.

He understands our pains and sorrows, and he heals them.

I thank God I have friends who would listen to me.

Today was spent in shock and dreadful horror.

But God will make a way in the storm, yes he will.

the sun took a dip below the horizon

2010-05-15T23:20:00.006+08:00

17 days spent in turmoil;

15 hours spent on my bed;

(24 x 17) -15 hours spent with books;

3 times sleeping on my tpc;

1st time I resorted to coffee;

2 nights without any sleep;

158 pieces of printing paper sacrificed and killed in battle;

all thanks to Mid-Year Examination 2010. -forces a smile on my face-

Since no one reads this blog anymore,

I find myself a lot closer to my friends in Choir.

Choir, I find a sense of attachment.

When everything single thing seems to just fail me and put me down, detaching me emotionally.

Choir is the only link to sanity, and I'm serious.

No matter how much I say I hate Choir, I know there's a part of me that knows Choir is all I can lean on.

I realise, maybe I should have a long time ago, that whenever something awful happens, in choir or not, I'll always turn to someone in Choir, rant and cry about it and tell myself it's all okay.

I guess its just like that,

it's either you survive by a life jacket, or die on your own.

When she stopped talking to me, my world crashed.

Then it seemed all too obvious to me, that its more than important to keep what I have close before they leave.

She was one of my closest friends, literally and metaphorically.

Then when we left on our own ways, things change.

Time either mends, or break your heart.

No grudges held, just a startling realisation to keep what I have closer.

I'd prefer to think about the days when we bothered to talk, not when we blatantly ignore each other.

Seeing my name on your blog, I don't know what to think.

Then looking at the date, 'oh, so its been so long ago'

The more I brush it off, tell myself it's nothing at all, [the] deeper I fall.

On a different matter,

I know why you chose that time, that place, that day to say it.

I know why you chose her to say it to.

I know why you chose to say it right in my face.

Right now, and I guess not ever, I have no more energy to bitch fight anymore.

I'm not asking for a fight whatsoever, I just think the least I deserve would be an answer.

Just tell me if you dislike me.

Life is a roller-coaster.

I feel weak inside out. I feel tired physically and mentally. I feel like giving up this fight.

I find myself literally sitting in a corner and crying every time such things happen.

I found myself crying when I couldn't finish studying Lit or Geog, which is silly.

But I really couldn't help it, it felt helpless.

I lost the momentum to move forward, with every step it's driving me backwards.

Helpless, hopeless.

God, thank you for being a constant in my life, thank you for never forsaking me and always leading the way.

Okay, so to end this post in a nice manner,

Thanks Daphne, Grace, WINNY(haha, happy?) and Yvonne,

when no one cared if I died or not, you guys did :D

When everything else were lies, I could always count on you people for the truth.

I appreciate your frankness, your concern, your encouragement, your acceptance, your criticism.

Above all, I appreciate you in my life.

HAHA, this is so cheesy, spoils my image, I shall end here:D

Oh yes Grace, I hope your eyeball doesnt decide to abandon you for good.

Must treat it well okay! Heehee.

and watch the blessings grow

2010-05-04T22:05:00.003+08:00

Dreams are a reflection of the fears that haunt us when we're awake.

They never let us go, even when we're half-conscious.

So now, I have decided (even though i always had)

a reinforcement to have faith.

Have faith in Him to set things right, for His will be done.

Have faith that I will survive MYEs.

Have faith in myself to overcome the fears

Have faith in my friends, always.

I hope you do realise that no matter what you did, no matter what they say, you'll always be the little innocent girl I played with since young, the one who would give up all the toys whenever I bullied you, the one who would cry when I cried. You'll always stay the same, an unchanging factor, and even if they were to say anything about you that would make you upset, have faith, because God's love never fails, and so does our faith in you, we'll never waver.

Love, I wish you well.

2010-05-03T21:18:00.003+08:00

I'm so screwed for MYEs, I still can't interpret kinematics graphs.

Dead, dead, so very dead.

I don't find the motivation to study, so yeah, go ahead and die Peipei.

Jump in the hole and hopefully twist my leg and waste away there.

I'm so happy, I can watch CSI on cable TV, hehehehehe.

The joy of being able to watch shows and study for MYEs at the same time.

The joy...

Hello to the one who found my blog.

I hope you like what you're seeing(:

2010-05-01T22:40:00.002+08:00

They picked up the pieces and placed them together, only to realise what they have is not what they had before.

So this is why the cookie crumbles.

mercy

2010-04-27T23:53:00.002+08:00

Sigh, Im so stressed up about MYEs, but I have no idea how to help myself.

Somehow, I can fall asleep while studying Humanities, not that it isn't all that difficult to do so.

But the fact that I fell asleep on my tpc says a lot about how I'm going to fare for MYEs.

Anyhow, like what my friend had always said, we're not going to die thinking about how we fared for Sec 3 Mid-years, or how I fell asleep studying that subjects I hate most.

They should allow people to just study science, yeah, I guess that'll be much better.

Went out with F, J, Y and T even though my mind was thinking about work work work work the whole trip

It was fun, like durh, I'm so deprived of fun these days.

Went to eat at Mos Burger, it's so nice, omg.

Then we walked around the place and saw some pretty stuff.

I want those for my birthday, which is next February):

Then treated Fion to a quarter of my Yami yoghurt, heehee.

Fun day, we should go to 313 after exams(:

Today, I finally laughed like I used to in C2.

I miss all the joy, the fun, the laughter.

and how we used to take things easy, working at our own pace until exams, when everyone chiong like nuts.

I miss how we support each other all the way.

Hmm, I'm glad I was from C2.

School had been nothing but depressing,

work had been repressive,

and the competition is getting very aggressive.

I think I'm going to die for mole concept after hearing all the horror stories about it.

Help!

Love, never put your guard down

2010-04-25T01:01:00.004+08:00

I'm tired of people coming and going whenever they like.

But they can never enter with a locked door to secure what's remaining of my faint heart.

Call me antisocial, actually I am.

They never cared until I really broke down.

They think I'm strong, I can be left alone.

I never tried to contradict their impression of me.

I held on, I pushed on.

I shut myself out when they do things I don't like.

I kept my mouth shut.

I made sure I was close to their idea of perfection.

As I try to be perfect, I move further from my true self.

I lose my soul behind me, in search of something better.

But what I find was someone that wasn't me.

I beg for forgiveness, I beg for mercy.

I beg for everything I know I don't deserve.

I feel that I'm losing myself.

Last time, I was truly a daring soul, now I am reduced to putting a brave front.

I've come to a point where the only way to comfort myself is to huddle in a corner, draw my legs close to me, breath into my clasped hands and tell myself repeatedly, " It's okay, it's okay"

But by doing that, my hope of reassuring myself became a reassurance for something else, and that was the fact that I am not strong enough, and with every phrase I repeat, I find my spirit weak, my morale beaten.

People say they understand, they know how I feel and things will be better.

The truth, they don't.

2010-04-23T21:17:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I stare out of the window and think about taking flying lessons.

As a person, I lived by this rigid and stubborn principle,

that is, if it is my fault, I acknowledge and apologise.

However, if it isn't mine, I never will, I never did.

Which is why I'm feeling so particularly sore and upset over the whole incident.

My friends know me as a proud person,

I know myself as an arrogant person.

Because I never did apologise for a crime I did not commit.

But to salvage whatever is left, damage control have to be done, at all costs.

That readily includes my dignity.

I wouldn't have mind so much if it was someone else,

but the matter revolving around you aggravates the condition.

So seriously just kill me.

I see no point in seeing you whenever I turn my back or in a corner,

I don't want to spend my life turning away whenever I see you.

So please, spare me.

unearthly hours

2010-04-20T01:02:00.003+08:00

Today was practically the worse day ever.

The day kicked off with Physics which happens to be my number hated subject now.

and then I was scolded cos I didn't put in effort into my workbook.

truthfully, he's right for scolding me, it's the truth.

So I spent today sulking and thinking about how I am going to attempt to do physics,

and somehow revise my wilful ways and start making some sense out of my life.

Had fun with sheng yu on the way home cos we decided that it'll be fine to just run out of school in the rain.

and it was so heavy, i couldn't see what was in front of me, so I was just blindly running forward, hoping I don't hit something

I almost hit this pole this at the bus-stop but thank goodness i stopped.

So okay, we were drenched but it was fun

we were drenched in the kind of omg-soaking-wet way

I think I should indulge in my inner child sometimes, maybe that's the pathway to sanity.

I realise that we can actually choose to be happy instead of being sad and emo all the time.

Life is as short as it gets, and being sad simply makes it seem even shorter and unbearable.

Since we're going to live life once, might as well make the best out of the time we have.

Those are just preacher-words, but think about it, it's true to a certain extent.

I can choose not to be upset or depressed, but what are the odds of eliminating them?

None, cos we're humans. And one thing we're blessed with is how we're more intelligent (or so it seems) to be able to express our feelings and emotions.

It's human nature to cry and laugh.

Imagine feeling sad about something but you don't have the mental capacity to show it...

Since I feel so inspired today, I will try to love physics and my studies for once (yeah, probably just once)

Plant seeds of hope

2010-04-18T22:37:00.005+08:00

MYEs are coming.

STRESS AH.

I really hope I'll be able to start studying soon.

Still feeling aloof about the whole thing.

Right now, I'm giving dropping Physics a serious thought.

I wonder if I should give it another chance after MYEs, which haven't even started.

I'll just try my best and if I still can't do it, I'll drop it and save my sanity.

I wonder how Daphne can survive Physics in G3, sigh, Daphne rocks.

Choir is making me feel very nostalgic.

I thank God for allowing me to be part of this section,

I had never been a good singer, and I'll never be, but these people made me believe.

There were days when Choir provided my strongest rapport, no matter how ironic that sounds.

No matter the number of time I said I hated singing (yes, I admit it), no matter how tired and cranky I get after Choir, it made my life in school more bearable.

I'll miss the seniors and my days as a lost and confused girl, looking very sian.

Choir had become an integral part of my epic life, and also an indispensable part.

Choir moulded me into who I am today, into someone who tries to drown out people's voice whenever I hear them out of tune, okay joking joking.

It's true, performing makes us more than life.

Back to Physics,

Physics is so sian and irritating.

I hope that I'll be strong, and become a girl that doesn't need her friends thinking about her every minute of their lives, hoping I don't casually walk to a window and attempt to take flight cos apparently everyone seems to agree that's just my style.

Sometimes, to make things right, is to convince ourselves that they are indeed right.

Or so they say.

But the truth is, without crossing the letter 't', 't' just isnt 't' anymore, no matter how one tries to convince himself that that is indeed 't'.

Weird analogy, but life is weird, and I am weird.

Life is too miserable to try and solve other's misery.

My friends have their own issues, and so I'll let them free.

My family have their own issues too, so I'll spare them the trouble.

Apparently, the only thing that's most carefree in my life is my toy kitten, so I'll talk to her.

"Dear Kitty, life's been a roller-coaster. I want to kill myself and stop the pain but I can't. I haven't realised my ambition of being a _________ and I haven't gotten married. I haven't bought an apartment and buy a cat (a real one) to accompany me. I can't bear to throw myself out without all these. "

Kitty always makes me feel better, because no matter what I tell her, her mouth's always stitched up shut and she'll never laugh at how insane my life is. I love her cos she's the neutral party in my epic life.

"you're a human too, and there are days when we feel to have moments spent in a corner with our favourite pillow, crying insanely and hoping a friend would stay there and place her arm around you, telling lies that things will be fine. Slightly delusional, but it pays to be sometimes, cos we're only human."

By the way, I said that, I don't know why I decided to put that in quotation form. I quoth myself.

To the awesome seniors.

2010-04-17T20:58:00.003+08:00

I know no one reads this blog at all.

So I shall post cheesy stuff and no one will judge me, moohaha.

Today was our last performance with the Sec4s.

I'm glad to have ended their journey in Choir with a good note.

Yeah, pun intended.

Today's performance was well done, with only a few mistakes.

I guess for me, today was not about Speech day, or the awful swiss roll we get all the time for performances that's so gross it's hard to swallow it.

Today was about the last day with the seniors.

The truth is, some of them were my closest friends, and seeing them leave just pains my heart.

I would never want them to leave. But life has got to move on, and they are moving into another chapter of their lives, namely the horrible "O LEVEL FEVER."

And for that, I hope they'll attain all their well-deserved A1s and visit us next year Speech Day, as a senior and also a prize recipient, muahahahha.

Oh, concentrate on studies and don't worry so much about us! We will survive!

No doubt, this batch of sec4s is the closest batch of seniors to me.

3 years, you could say it's a long time, (365x3) days and countless hours practising with them and getting to know them.

But for all the time spent with them, fighting for oxygen in the Sem Rm (kidding!) , I would say it was still not enough.

If I had only known this day would come so quickly, I would have taken initiative to know each and every one of them better, and I wouldn't have bothered that much about being shy, etc.

Let's just say I'm a touchy-feely person, and rather sentimental.

I would say that the seniors (past and present batches) had been inspirations for me.

Despite their busy schedules, they took the effort and the labourious job of taking care of me and making sure I could sing. Kudos to their awesomeness.

I'll never forget all the encouragement and love I've received from the seniors, and I would like to thank them for always being there whenever I needed their help, and they would always try to help, always, all the time.

Words always fail me whenever I need them, sigh.

The sec4s will be dearly missed, I'm certain they will be by everyone in the Choir.

Sigh, I'm not good at expressing myself, hahaha. But I really miss the Sec4s...

I'll miss Anna and all the weird things she do in Choir.

I'll never forget all the encouragement that Evangeline had told us.

I'll miss Zhuo Min and who never failed to make me smile no matter how tired I may be.

and of course Pearlyn and her bubbly personality that always makes us laugh.

I'll miss April and her bright smile!

And also Juniper even though she admitted she once thought I'm from China...

Of course there's other seniors but I decided not to continue cos I'm sobbing like really badly now....

And I'm sure they'll know they'll be greatly missed!

I shall end here, bye Seniors!

2010-04-16T22:36:00.003+08:00

My life is really a joke.

I threw my phone into the dustbin, thinking that I threw my bottle.

And I smartly only realised Im still holding on to the bottle after walking away for 3mins or so.

Then I returned to the dustbin, helplessly staring down at my poor phone in the heap of trash.

Seriously, what a joke.

Of course, there are other things to joke about,

like how I can't seem to do physics no matter how hard I try,

or how I tripped on the pavement on my way home after dilatation of my eye.

Seniors are leaving tmr):

2010-04-16T00:01:00.002+08:00

"we seem to be in the shadow, but that's because we're backfacing the Sun"

Yeah yeah, so cliche.

But the thing is, these cliches are so true, they're so commonly used, which is why they are cliche in the first place.

Im not a big fan of such cheesy lines, but they do make some sense

2010-04-15T00:26:00.002+08:00

I hate it now that I seem to get lax with myself and somehow lack self-discipline.

For that matter, I've been facing almost anything with a dispensable mood, that is, I seem to always give the "what the shit" response in my head.

I better do get a grip on myself before I disintegrate in the MYE roller coaster.

Once again, Im so stressed I can't even seem to relax/sleep/dance/sing/walk/talk/ do anything sane (or insane) without having the constant thought of homework/study/school/projects (OI PEOPLE, CHEM PEER TEACHING!)/ REVISION swirling above my head.

Im so scared I don't even dare to look at the sky for too long.

Okay, that was lame.

One thing Im thankful of is that I have friends by me and choir is going to break soon and i'll have ample time ( i hope) to study and get a grip on life.

The past days had been disappointing and upsetting but life is this way and I'll have to make do with what I have.

Once again, Thank God for friends.