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mercy
If I could be any part of you, I'd be your tears
Conceived in your heart
Born in your eyes
Live on your cheeks
And die on your lips


Friday, May 17, 2013, 12:22 AM

Lord,

I've messed up this time, really badly. And I have no idea how I'm ever going to atone for all my sins to both sides, to the side that I've once mocked and tormented, and to the side that I've turned my back to and spoke ill about. My friends have split up and its indirectly or directly because of me and lack absolute lack of foresight and intuition. Lord, I'm so afraid of repercussions and I'm so afraid that I will not be forgiven. I have wronged so many and so deeply that I cannot forgive myself. Im so afraid of judgment, prospects, sidelong glances, this fear I doubt I can wave away even in the long term. How am I ever going to face myself again, to be able to trust my intuition and judgment without this misguided venture to haunt me? How am I ever going to walk out of this when I have screwed up so badly that I don't ever deserve forgiveness from anyone. I'm so ashamed of myself.

Lord, despite all these I'm thankful for friends whom I have wronged and done so many things against them, who have taken a stand to accept me for my multitude of inadequacies and misjudgments. Im so thankful that despite all these they chose to put their faith in me, to accept me and to help me wholeheartedly. This goodness I do not deserve and Im so thankful. It is indeed weird but I feel so loved in their midst, Your love and their love for a friend even in such compromising circumstances. Lord, I just don't know if its fair to them that I've chosen their side and they have to live with it. There are uncertainties ahead and I'm afraid, but by God's Love you've sent these angels to me and Im so grateful for forgiveness and acceptance.

Lord, help me remember that hatred will beget hatred and that I should not aspire to hate the people who were once my friends too. I really hate to see us split, we had such strong bonds. Lord, I pray that for those people that they would, from the goodness of their hearts, see my motivations for backstabbing them and be more civil with those whom they have persistently tormented. Lord I pray that they will forgive me for so blatantly and abruptly pledging allegiance with the enemy and for my lack of fortitude in resolving the matter with more sensitivity. Lord I pray that for whatever it is now that it is best for everyone involved and that we could at least be civil with each other. I pray that one day when they realise all the suffering they've shoved into their faces that it will not be too late to repent and ask for forgiveness. Lord I pray that they will be able to see beyond themselves and consider the wrong that they have committed and not defend it. Lord, I don't know if I'm finally right this time for eradicating friends for the sake of identifying true friends. Whatever it is, it does not discount the fact that i feel so blessed to be with people that are willing to accept mistakes and take them objectively.

I pray to not sin against anyone and to honour Your name from here on, so help me God.

Amen.